Lavender and Parvati get Jiggy wid It
by ty.soglasna
Summary: see inside for real title Parvati is a bit nervous of Lavender's dildo, and for good reason. Femslash, oneshot, crack.


**Title: ** In which Lavender and Parvati discover the benefits of real tits and fake cocks  
**Pairing: ** Lavender/Parvati  
**Rating: ** (light) R  
**Warnings: ** Magical thrumming phallus, masturbation, sex, general silliness, characters randomly turning gay  
**Word count: ** 1628  
**Summary: ** Parvati is a bit nervous of Lavender's dildo, and for good reason.  
**Notes: ** Originally written for the HP Anonymous Kinks Meme over at **karmicsunshine**. Prompt: _sexual exploration, mutual masturbation_. This was a bit of an experiment in a dialog-based story. :) Thanks to **nolagal** and **juliandahling** for being kind enough to beta!

* * *

It began with a dirty magazine. They'd nicked it from an easily-intimidated Hufflepuff boy who they'd caught reading it hidden inside a book in the library, and immediately smuggled it up to their dorm to explore in private.

The exploration soon turned to ridicule; the Hufflepuff apparently didn't have a very high taste in smut.

"Her _breasts_, Parvati, look at the _size_ of them!"

"Oh, that cannot be real."

Lavender squealed as the picture began to move. "God, what is he _doing_?"

Parvati tilted her head. "That can't even feel good, I mean, for that bloke..."

"Mmhm. No way that could feel good with those tits. Looks like they might swell up and pop any minute."

"Ew, don't!"

"Well, they do. He'd better not squeeze too hard."

"Ew, ew, go to the next one."

"..."

"Whoa."

"Yeah, even worse, just keep going."

"..."

"_Whoa_."

"God."

"I didn't know that was even... can _you_ bend like that?"

"Nope."

But the ludicrous pictures weren't even the best part. That came by surprise, when they flipped to the last page and the pictures were replaced by a dizzying array of tiny boxes, all advertising some sort of augmentation, enhancement, anonymous messaging service... and in the lower left corner, almost hidden in the gutter of the magazine, there it was.

"What do you think, Lav?"

"Wow, that looks..."

"Just like the real thing, I know."

"Think we should get it?"

"Ha, ha."

"No, seriously. It's mail order, says here it comes in anonymous packaging; no one would ever know..."

Parvati squinted at the tiny ad. "I dunno. My cousin's got one that vibrates. This one doesn't say it does anything."

"What are you _talking_ about--you wouldn't need that thing to vibrate to have fun."

"Then get it if you want. It's your money."

Lavender shoved Parvati in the shoulder. "Just watch, you'll be begging me to let you try it."

"Will not. I don't need some fake... penis... thing... to have fun."

"Just you watch."

~

The package arrived six weeks later, wrapped in anonymous brown paper as promised. _Not_ as promised, it vibrated.

"Oh, that is just not fair!" Parvati exclaimed. "They can't have it doing things it said it wouldn't!"

Lavender just smiled smugly and disappeared behind her bed curtains.

As always, they had the dorm to themselves for the greater portion of every day, should they choose to spend their time there. Hermione was rarely in the dorm, always in the library or with Potter and Weasley, so Lavender had plenty of time alone with her new toy. Parvati withstood an entire month of exuberant orgasms from the next bed over before she finally caved in and asked to have a try.

"It's in the top drawer," Lavender said, flipping a page in the Astrology text.

Parvati fished out the object and retreated behind her own curtains, shutting them fast. She set the vibrator in front of her on the duvet and spent a good minute or two just looking at it. It did look really, really real. After a minute more of this, she gingerly picked the thing up and figured out how to turn it on. It jumped in her hand and whirred menacingly, and she turned it off again quickly.

"All right in there?" Lavender called.

"Yeah, 'course. Just don't listen!"

"Fine, not listening." Lavender started to hum loudly.

Parvati turned it on again, clenched her eyes shut, and brought it most of the way to her crotch before she had to drop it again.

The curtains rustled and Lavender's head appeared between them. "All right?"

"Er..."

Lavender's eyes fell to the vibrator, bouncing merrily on the bed between them, and she sat down next to Parvati, closing the curtains behind her. "For starters, you've got this turned up way too high. There are levels, look." She adjusted something, and suddenly the phallus stopped jumping. It buzzed quietly in Lavender's hand, docile.

"Ah." Parvati cleared her throat.

Lavender rolled her eyes. "You didn't even take your knickers off."

"Hadn't gotten around to it yet."

"Look, it did take me a while to get used to it. I could give you some tips and stuff, if you want."

Parvati shrugged. "Okay." As long as she didn't have to touch that thing again right away.

"All right, lie back and close your eyes. Oh, and take off you knickers."

"Lav!"

"It's nothing I haven't seen before."

Parvati worked her knickers off, blushing, and then crossed her legs at the ankles, smoothing her skirt down over her thighs.

"Close your eyes."

"Right."

"I'm going to leave it off for right now, just let you get used to how it feels..."

"On my _knee_?"

"Gotta start somewhere. How's it feel?"

"Like, smooth. Not bad. Are you sure that's the thing? And not like, your finger?"

"_This_ is my finger."

Parvati seized up in giggles as Lavender's finger dug into the sensitive flesh under her knee. "Ah, stop, stop, I get it!"

"It's just made to feel ultra-lifelike," Lavender said, her voice smug. "Just wait, it gets better."

"If you keep stroking my knee like that, I'm not sure I see how it does."

"Shut up, you. Fine. This skirt has to go, though." Fingers insinuated themselves under the hem of her skirt and pushed it up until the material was bunched around her waist. Parvati conscientiously crossed her feet tighter.

"I'm turning it on now, okay?"

"Mmhmm."

She felt the faint buzz more than heard it, and then Lavender started sliding the head of the device up her inner thigh. "Hey, that tickles!"

"Sort of the point, isn't it?"

"Guess so."

"Don't freak out, I'm not putting this in anywhere. Just sort of exploring around, seeing if anything feels good... this is what I did when I first got it, so..."

"Ooo."

"Good?"

"No, horrible. That was me shrieking in agony."

"Be serious! I've practice using the vibrator, not reading minds."

"Yeah, that was good. You could do it again even."

"Like this?"

"Yup."

Parvati realize that at some point her legs had uncrossed, and she didn't bother crossing them again. Lavender might not be able to get the same angle if she did...

"Okay, you ready for me to take it to the next level?"

"You sound like a bad porno, Lav, stop."

"No, I meant the power! Do you want me to take it to the next higher power level?"

"Oh, right. Sure."

"Honestly. 'The next level,'" Lavender quipped sarcastically, but Parvati could hear the smile in her voice.

"Fuck! ...Sorry. It's just—"

"I know. You can swear if you want, I don't care. Could even help."

"Okay, good."

"…"

"…"

"That's fucking..."

"Feel good?"

"Shut up, Lavender. You _know_ how it feels."

"I can't shut up, I'm supposed to be helping you. Hey, try this."

"Holy fuck, Lav, what is... oh!"

"It's got special vibration modes too," Lavender explained, infuriatingly calm. "That was the first one..."

"Yeah..."

"What about this one?"

"Oh, that's actually... kind of... odd..."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, not really doing anything for me. Is there another one?"

"Yup. Here."

"Ah."

"Okay?"

"Sorta."

"Wait, it's better if you do it down here..."

"Oh, my god."

"Yeah."

"I didn't even know..."

"Yup, me neither."

"Lav, I think I'm gonna—"

"Right now?"

"Go back to that first mode, and yeah, right there..." Parvati's hand closed over Lavender's on the thrumming phallus and she guided her to the spot. "Yeah, and just keep doing exactly what you're..."

Parvati's nails dug into the back of Lavender's hand as she arched off the bed. Her nerves sang and she came harder than she ever had alone.

"That was..."

"Hmm?" Parvati opened her eyes at last, blinking against the light.

Lavender knelt beside her hips, eyes locked somewhere in the vicinity of Parvati's stomach. "I'm just impressed. Guess I didn't think you really had it in you."

"You underestimate me, dear. Just because I didn't want to wank with something that looks like a severed cock—"

"It does not!"

"Well, where's the rest of it then?"

"It's supposed to look like this!"

"To each her own. But anyway, I was saying, just because the idea of it gives me the willies—okay, okay, fine, that pun was sort of intended—doesn't mean that certain other things... well, you know."

"No, what?"

"You're completely ridiculous, you know that? Come up here."

"Parvati... what are you doing..."

"Taking your kit off. We're going to do this properly now."

"Mmm." Lavender hummed into Parvati's hair as Parvati kissed a freshly-exposed shoulder. "Your way's not bad so far. You'll use Ronald on me though, right?"

"You named you dildo _Ronald_?"

"Well, as long as we're talking about severed dicks..."

"Lav, honey, that doesn't even make sense."

"Whatever; a girl's got to get her revenge somehow. What do you say?"

"I guess, maybe... if you _really_, really want..."

"Oh, good. Parvati?"

"Yeah?"

"Wanna take your clothes off too? Or the rest of them at least? Or—"

"Yeah, yeah. Wanna give me a hand here?"

"..."

"Oh, wow."

"Yeah."

"Touch my tit again."

"Like that?"

"Yeah, just like that. You could keep doing that, you know, if you wanted. I wouldn't mind."

"No?"

"Nope."

"Did you know you've got fantastic tits, Lav?"

"Why thank you. Yours... Ooo... yours aren't too bad either. I mean, they feel way better than they look. I mean, no offense. They're just... really _really_ nice."

"None taken—just keep doing that."

"As if I'm stopping anytime soon."

"…"

"God, where did you learn—"

"Shh, I'm making it up as I go. Good?"

"God, fuck, you've no fucking idea."

"Oh?"

"No! Don't stop now!"

"Right."

"_Fuck..._"

"…"

"Parvati?"

"Yeah?"

"Think I definitely like your way better."

"You said that already."

"I know."


End file.
